Last year I wrote an online letter to the HFPA (who never replied, or maybe they did and it ended up in a Spam folder) about The Golden Globes. And this year, I’m keeping with tradition.
To whom it may concern
Well, how goes the battle today members of the HFPA? How did last night go? Plenty of pictures with the big named celebs? Ok, sorry. That was a bit much. I used a funny Ricky Gervais joke, from LAST YEAR. I’m curious HFPA. Very curious. Not sexually curious or anything, just curious to know what happened poor (well he’s not poor, we know that) Ricky Gervais?
As I’m sure you’ll agree, awards ceremonies are long and drawn out, particularly if you are watching at home. I can imagine if you’re at the thing, most of your time is spent running to the bar during the ad breaks or wandering around looking for spare loot bags. Or maybe that's just me. Anyway, as you probably know I present a pretty kick ass radio show here (Its the truth, I swear to God) and every year, I tweet the shit out of the Golden Globes and The Oscars. Being in Ireland, the oul time difference can pose a few problems with the sleeping thing, and I only got 3 hours in the last 24, but it keeps people entertained. And there's the magic word! ENTERTAINED.
Why in the name of (fill in your own expletive) was a decision made to curb Ricky Gervais? Last year he made another long and drawn out ceremony entertaining and most of all, watchable. But this year? OMG!!! OMFG!!!!! What happened? He was tame, reserved and looked like he just wanted to get on a plane with your big suitcase of money and fuck off back to his big house with his cats. And to be fair HFPA, nobody though ye would have the balls to bring him back after the ENTERTAINMENT he provided last year. But ye did. And we all thought ye had balls nearly as big as Michael Fassbender.
It must have been quite obvious to some of the celebs in attendance that Ricky was restricted, as many of them swore on stage and talked about huge erections and hitting golf balls with their captain winkys. That must have been frustrating on poor ol Ricky. He couldn’t really say shit, but here are a bunch of celebs doing what he should have been doing. ENTERTAINING.
And like I mentioned last year, I don’t like Ricky Gervais. But for the love of God, you should have left the guy do what he’s actually good at. But it was a clever ratings ploy I’d imagine. Bring back the “bad guy” and everyone will tune in to see how many more celebs he can “destroy”. No doubt it worked. It won’t work again I’d hazard a guess. And look, I know we’re all idiots, but if you tuned into the Cosby show and Bill Cosby wasn’t doing all his zany Huxtable shenanigans, chances are you wouldn’t tune into another episode, unless it had a story line about Theo and a few dead hookers. But seriously, SHAME ON YOU. Whats the worst that could have happened? Ricky makes some fun of some celebs and they don’t pose for photos with you great folks?
To wrap up, many of us have got only one thing to be thankful for last night, (and it wasn’t Madonna’s arms) and to be honest it was really the only thing that made me laugh out loud. It was the only thing that was truly entertaining and you have two people to thank. Sort of. Firstly George Clooney and secondly Michael Fassbender’s King Kong sized dick.
Actually Uggie the dog, needs a special mention here too. He’s also the about the size of the Fassbender Frankfurter! On a final note, I know, I do go on, I’m not sure if you good folks are aware of Top Gear. You know the TV show about cars presented by a bloke that wants people shot in front of their families? There’s another 2 presenters on that program as well. One is called a Hamster who nearly got killed a few years back and the other is James May, who, like many of the WINNERS (not the “controversial” host) uses the word cock alot. But not in the sexual sense. I think anyway. So, to put it in the words of James May, last nights Golden Globes was a pile of cock. And to continue in my own words if I may, it was a big pile of cock. Although I think the plural is more relevant here, don’t you?
Anyway, thanks for reading HFPA. If you’re ever in Ireland give me a shout. I’m only too happy to pose for photos.
Your Pal (we’re still pals, contrary to what you’re thinking right now)
Vic
