Dear Shia
What's up dude? That was pretty impressive. You know, all that sky writing stuff. Great gesture. I reckon if Daniel Clowes doesn’t get the message by now, he’ll never get it, right? But on a serious note, dude! He probably has got the message and at this stage couldn’t give a fuck about any more apologies. Its like that time my friend cheated on his girl friend with some rough, elderly, one eyed hooker. None of us knew what the hell he was thinking at the time. He was (and thankfully still is, so we can creep her facebook page) together with a smokin’ hot 24 year old. We’re talking seriously hot. So hot in fact, you could melt butter off her knee caps and cook gammon steaks on her back! That’s how hot we’re talking. Anyway, he realised his fuck up and apologised and fed his girlfriend some bullshit about it’ll never happen again, and I’m pretty sure he dropped in the Eddie Murphy joke, “It wasn’t me” at one point.
This went on for quite some time. Week in, week out. Apology after apology. He even bought her a fish tank to apologise at one point. The fact that he didn’t buy her any fish, well, thats another story. After the fish tank incident, he thought buying her a wolf would be a great idea. His thinking was its a loyal animal and it would highlight his loyalty. However, the Wolf ate the leg off a neighbours child and that was the end of that.
Anyway, every time, we’d meet up, he’d keep going on about the apologies. Seriously Shia, it went on all the time. Like 24/7 dude. We’d be hanging out trying to play Mario Kart, or human Angry Birds, and the dude would just keep jabbering on about some new apology he was going to come up with. It got really outta hand, when he told us he was going to murder that elderly hooker, as she had ruined his life. Thankfully, while he was out buying a shovel and some blackbags, she got run over by a police car, who ironically enough, were responding to a wolf attack on a child.
We kinda stopped hanging out after that. Now, the dude is pretty friendless and nobody wants to hang out with him anymore. But, I’m sure he’s happy. Anyway, just dropping you a few lines, hope you can read between them.
Your pal in Ireland
Vic
