Yesterday was my birthday, where I hit the ripe old age of 35. In between a pretty fantastic birthday dinner and card openings I managed to take in the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie. After the credit’s rolled up the screen, I felt like I was 135.
Don’t get me wrong though! I actually thoroughly enjoyed the original movie. Make that really enjoyed. The second one less so and the third one shivered more than me timbres. So, after months of watching clips and trailers which promised nothing but Jack Sparrow I really had high hopes for this. Alas, they were slashed upon viewing. The story is one that even the simplest of all men could understand. Jack Sparrow goes off on a quest to find the fountain of youth. Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), Blackbeard (Ian McShane) and his daughter Angelica (Penélope Cruz, who really has a pointless role) also have quite the interest in finding this fountain of youth. And that’s it. That’s the story. Coupled with a few set pieces and nearly as much walking as there is in the entire Lord Of The Rings, On Stranger Tides feels very disjointed, boring and bland.
The set pieces themselves are fine, in particular the mermaids are beautifully brought to life and the action that ensues is rather good. The rest of them are predominantly Jack Sparrow jumping, walking, fighting, jumping and so on. The effects are well done and the actual scale of the movie is quite large. But it doesn’t matter. It starts promisingly enough, but soon descends into walking and talking which will have you fidgeting in your seat and becoming quite bored. By the time the finale trundled onto the screen, I had more or less lost the will to live and the whole thing was an anti, predictable climax.
As for the cast, Depp is boring. Geoffrey Rush and Ian McShane do their bit, but don’t break a sweat and Cruz is quite good, but doesn’t really fit in, in my book.
As for the 3D, and there are 2 arguments here. Firstly, don’t bother going to see it in 3D. Save your money. Why? The whole thing looked washed out and murky and as for the “depth and immersion”, well that was close to non-existent. There is FUCK ALL 3D here. At times, things were so bad and the detail was so washed out and lost, it reminded me of the recent Clash Of The Titans. Now, the second argument goes like this. You might find it incredibly difficult to see a 2D version. I’ve scanned around a few cinemas in this neck of the planet and some have 8+ 3D screenings a day. As for the 2D version, try 2-3 screenings. Obviously, its more profitable to run more prints of the 3Dversion, and inflate the box office at the same time. On that principle alone, where the cinema and the distributor are really trying to bend you over, you should avoid this movie. So shame on the distributors and the cinemas who are partaking in this bullshit!
Overall On Stranger Tides is flogging a dead horse. In an attempt to go back to what made the first movie so great, it tries to be incredibly smart and fails abysmally. It’s over complicated and overlong. It’s not funny and above all, it’s not entertaining.
Johnny Depp might be a fine actor, but Jack Sparrow’s one trick pony, is after getting tedious and unfunny. More Davy Jones than Jack Sparrow methinks!. As for the part after the credits (the ENTIRE credits have to be sat through), well don’t bother. It only sets things up for the 5th movie and if anything, will make you even more frustrated. Finally, I’d prefer to walk the plank in shark infested waters, covered in bovril than endure this yawn fest again!
