Did you ever think how grateful you are for technology? You know that amazing smart phone that gathers fluff, pieces of paper and the occasional stray pube in your pocket? You didn’t? Or what about wondering how awesome 3G is (at least the idea of it, not the speed)? You didn’t? Well fair reader person, once you go to see Bullet To The Head you will throw yourself onto your knees and send praise to the techno gods for bestowing upon you, devices that will pass the time while Sylvester Stallone’s new movie trudges along to the end credits. Maybe you’ll place a bet on a horse you got a tip for, maybe you’ll look at some god awful, constantly buffering video about fucking cats, or maybe you’ll just watch some video about cats fucking…if that’s your thing. Anything will prove more enjoyable that Bullet To The Head.
The 80’s action movie revival continues, and to his credit Stallone has kept the pay cheques coming in with above average movies that were entertaining to some degree and even more recently the rather brilliant Expendables 2. I’m not sure how many of you recall the 80’s and early 90’s where Stallone spent much of his time shooting people, setting fire to his rib cage and punching the shit out of a Russian. Fun times and good times are the words that come to mind. Sadly, neither fun nor good can be used here. But let’s take a look at the plot shall we? To be honest, I don’t really remember much about the plot so gimme a sec while I go off and grab the synopsis.
Right then…here we go…After watching their respective partners die, a New Orleans hitman and a Washington D.C. detective form an alliance in order to bring down their common enemy.
That’s the story then. Straight forward affair which should prove relatively simple to make a decent action movie out of. Lot’s of fights, car chases, shoot outs and a few one liners from Sly. Director Walter Hill seems to have decided to say “Fuck that! Let’s not bother” Considering he’s directed 48 hours, Another 48 hours and the rather epic Red Heat, something like this he should have been able to pull off while having a shit. No car chases, just some occasional pieces of Sly driving slightly over the speed limit. The one liners? I didn’t hear any, but then again I was busy on my phone due to being bored out of my fucking mind. So the fights then? Surely they were good. Well the fights are ground breaking, If I’m honest. They use a new technology called SS, which stands for stroke simulation or maybe seizure simulation. The finale which involves a few big hatchets will have you quivering under your seat and closing your eyes. It’s so tightly shot and so erratic that you may well collapse, get a stroke or a mild seizure. Jesus Christ, did anyone ever hear of image stabilisation? I won’t even mention steadicam…ooops! At one point during the final fight, I thought part of my brain was going to ooze out of my nose.
Stallone is Stallone. He does his part well enough, looks pumped to the point of a vein bursting out through his arm, but with a brutal script and a director that seemingly doesn’t have it anymore, it’s a disaster. His supporting cast may as well be out in a field with a hair dryer and an umbrella….blindfolded. Sung Kang, who to his credit was watchable enough in the Fast and Furious movies and especially Ninja Assassin but just hams his way through this from start to finish. He’s neither likeable or engaging. And as for Christian Slater, well he’s just making his agent’s job that little bit tougher. In any case he’s under utilised and any moment he looks like he’s about to do something watchable, there’s a cut to something else.
Is there anything good about Bullet To The Head? Besides Stallone, the whole thing turns into a pseudo Eyes Wide Shut for a few minutes, but by the time that happens you’ll already have seen numerous pairs of tits on your smart phone. Stallone seems to do his best work when he’s written the story or is at least directing it. I’m pretty amazed he agreed to this.
Bullet To The Head could have been something quite entertaining, but it’s all over the place. If you’ve ever wondered how an actual bullet to the head would feel like, by all means go check this out. On the other hand, just punch yourself into the head right now, and get the same effect…for free.
