Many people are fans of Jennifer Lopez’s ass. And it’s understandable why. And now you’ll be ever so thankful for J-Lo’s rear end! Because it’s the only thing that will keep you in your seat while watching Parker.
Parker follows the story of Parker (who else?) played by Jason Statham who gets double crossed by his crew and left for dead. Of course the Stat is immune to bullets and teams up with Jenny from the block for a spot of revenge and while he’s at it, he’ll grab the goodies from his old crews latest heist.
Within 5 minutes of Parker starting, you’ll wonder if theres something wrong. It’s not until 10 minutes later that you’ll figure out whats wrong. This movie is nigh on impossible to engage with. The first half, while relatively straight forward seems to have a unique knack of switching your brain off. From the way it’s shot to a bunch of incredibly bad, bad guys with dialogue straight out of a wooden box. Michael Chiklis is potentially one of the worst bad guys in the history of cinema. His dialogue is ropey, his look is awful and his delivery is nothing but pure and utter shit. And while I’m on about performances, Nick Nolte grumbles, growls and groans his way through a rather painstaking performance. As for our leads, as likeable as Jason Statham is (including his immunity to bullets) Parker seems like a vehicle where he can exercise a bit more of his sensitive side. In turn, the action scenes are limited, and on a number of occasions he has a few long, lingering gazes going on which serve about as much purpose as a blow torch in an igloo. But it gets worse. For a portion of Parker, he masquerades as a “Texan”. Nothing wrong with that, and to his credit, the accent he puts on is passable. But mother of jesus, the stupid 500 gallon hat he wears is potentially one of the stupidest things you’ll see on screen this year.
It’s not all bad. The limited action scenes, while toned down, pack a punch. But the only saving grace here is Jennifer Lopez. This is her best performance since Out Of Sight and it’s certainly a career high. Unlike her on screen counterparts, she is believable and convincing. And where possible she's wearing butt hugging outfits to show off her voluptuous curves. As a matter of fact, its J-Lo’s arse that is the highlight of the movie. And while some of you may find that a little bit pervy, it’s a welcome relief to the clunky and convoluted movie that orbits around her bum cheeks.
Statham is an incredibly likeable actor with a great action screen presence. He doesn’t do subtlety very well. He doesn’t do the whole lovey dovey thing very well. In a way he’s miscast and he’s not the Statham we all know and love here.
Unfortunately, Parker is a contender for one of the worst movies of the year. A dragged out and clunky plot combined with mind-numbing scene of dull dialogue and poor performances, does not make for an entertaining nights viewing. Not even J-Lo’s arse can save this one!
